Be Careful What You Wish For...

2 Weeks Ago

 

I was looking at my calendar for February and realized that in addition to homeschooling, I had something scheduled for every single day of the month until the 29th.  This included field trips, co-op, dance, piano, Keepers, and doctor appointments.  Usually I don’t get unraveled about a heavy schedule, but for some reason, that day I was feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.  I was feeling very angry at the load that I had put on myself, and was wishing that I could back out of all of it and just stay home for awhile and do nothing but homeschool.

Be careful for what you wish for…

 

The very next day – I woke up and felt like something was wrong physically.  I didn’t have a cold, or a fever, but I felt something heavy in my chest.  As time progressed throughout the day, I began to cough.  This was not the type of cough I usually get.  This was a deep, bottom of a lung, hard to breath, stabbing painful type of cough. 

I waited for a week before I made an appointment with the doctor.  He seemed concerned after he listened to my breathing, and told me that I probably either had pneumonia or bronchitis.  He sent me home with 2 RX’s and told me that if I didn’t feel substantially better in 72 hours I should come back in.  Well, 72 hours came and went.  If anything I felt worse.  so I scheduled another appointment.  This time, my doctor changed my antibiotic RX to a mega strength, and promptly sent me for an X-ray.

I drove straight to the radiologist and in no time I was taken back for my X-ray.  I got an indication from the lady who took it that I may have pneumonia, as she told me to be careful around Alexis because pneumonia is contagious.  However, while I was still there a radiologist read the X-ray and said that there was no indication of pneumonia.  After leaving their office, I got my prescription filled and went home feeling relieved, but perplexed about my illness.  I called David (husband)  and told him what was said.  We both felt hopeful that the new RX would work and life would be good.

(By the way – a little side note here – please don’t tell me that our health care system is broken and that the government needs to fix it.  My private insurance and non-government doctors are working just fine.  Thank You.)

 

About 1 hour later my doctor called me to give me the results (that I had already been given) concerning no pneumonia on my X-ray.  I expected him to say – Good News!  But he did not.  He was concerned that this may mean that there is a blood clot – so he sent me back to the radiologist immediately for a CT-scan.    

                       

By 4:45 Monday afternoon, I was cleared to go home from the radiologist office.  I did not have a blood clot.  I was told that my doctor would be in touch.  When I did not hear back from the doctor right away I anticipated good news.  On Tuesday the antibiotics seemed to be kicking in and I was beginning to feel better ~ I still had not heard back from the doctor ~ so because of family pressure, I called and left a message asking if they had received the CT-scan report.  Wednesday afternoon I received a call back.  They had reviewed the CT-scan report and there is a nodule on my lung.  They recommend that I have another CT-scan in 3 months.  I got off of the phone feeling stunned – I did not ask a lot of questions, because I have to mull things over in my mind before I know what questions I want to ask.  

The internet is a good thing – and a bad thing.  The good thing is that I was able to research lung nodules – the bad thing is that I was able to research lung nodules.  Because of the internet, I was able to learn enough about lung nodules to ask the doctor some good questions.  However, because of the information available on the internet, I have great concerns that I may not have otherwise had if I had just kept my head in the sand.

Once I became aware that this may be quiet serious, I lost my ability to relax and trust God.  It was easy to panic.   I wanted to fix this and make it all go away ~ now.  I wanted to control my own destiny rather than allow Him to see me through this process.  I was praying every moment I wasn’t reading or talking to my husband, but I wasn’t "giving" this worry to the Lord.  I knew I had to do that.  It is hard.  But, it is also futile to think that anything I can do is better than something He can do.

As I said prayers with Alexis and read a story with her last night, I was praying silently that He would give me comfort and peace.  I prayed that He would allow me to open the Bible and read something – anything that would make me know that He is with me, that He cares for me, and that everything will be alright. 

The great thing about the Lord, is I am constantly being reminded of how He cares about the details of our lives.  I crawled into bed frazzled from the last few days, opened my NIV Bible and this is the verse that He showed me:

"I saw the Lord always before me,
Because He is at my right hand,
I will not be shaken.
Therefore my heart is glad and my tongue rejoices;
my body also will live in hope,
because You will not abandon me to the grave,
nor will You let your Holy One see decay.
You have made known to me the paths of life;
You will fill me with joy in Your presence."  Acts 2:25-28

I don’t know where this journey of concern will lead me, but I do know that He is with me every single step of the way.  He will give me the strength that I need, and I can rejoice and rest in knowing that.